The Benefits of the Struggle Bus

Last year I had the incredible opportunity to listen to two very successful coaches at a conference in Kalamazoo, Michigan.  It was very interesting to hear about their experiences and insights on what is most important in working with youth and how they built successful programs.  One of the most important messages I took home with me is best stated in the following quote:  You have to get 1% better today.  You have to love the anticipation; you have to love the struggle.  You are only one swing away.  This quote was taken from 11 time national champion and hall of fame coach, Sue Enquist of UCLA.  In her message she shared how she would always build failure recovery lessons into her practices. Her players would never be perfect but they do have to recover from an error for them to be successful on any given night.  She was very passionate about this life lesson.  Everyone has a board of directors that help shape who they are.  How do we build failure recovery into raising and educating our children?  How has failure helped you grow professionally?

Over the past couple of months I have been reflecting on how I can improve professionally in my administrative role and personally as a parent.  Through my experiences I have seen myself in situations as an educator and as a mother where I ask myself why don’t they see what I see. How many of us say if I knew then what I know now I would have done things differently. Well it all boils down to experiences which have helped us gain the skill and knowledge to be successful.


Why don’t they see what I see, it seems so simple?  Brain research tells us that many changes take place in the brain during adolescents; however the brain does not look like that of adults until the early 20’s.  When we see our children experiencing failure or disappointment it feels like the sky is crashing down on both them and us. Even as the administrator in the room, I just want to save them and help them, but the real question is what will they learn most from in order to set them up for future success.  As a parent I have noticed that I feel the pain even deeper than our children do. In most cases, our children bounce back from their disappointments relatively quickly, but yet we often stay stuck in them for way longer than we know is necessary or appropriate.  I have noticed this about myself as a parent and thought I need to start responding to this in a very different way.  We cannot shelter them from everything.  My message to my kids is you are going to make mistakes, you are going to have disappointments, but what you learn and how you respond to them is what will define your character.  Kids can learn through disappointments and failures.   I can as a professional learn through mine as well.

I will tell you this was one of my biggest challenges moving into administration just as much as it is a challenge as a parent.  I know in my heart that many times the acceptance of failure is the most important lesson, but at times very hard to deliver it.  Dropping students from courses, suspending from school, encouraging difficult conversation, enrolling in challenging courses, and providing other interventions for situations that are inappropriate for the school environment can all be difficult when you know the student just does not have the skill or mentality to make better choices.  Maybe they lack the motivation or direction.  However, how will they learn if they don’t fail or if we don’t hold them accountable? We are doing our children and ourselves a major disservice by not allowing them to experience failures and disappointments. The challenge is how to you set them up for success in learning through that disappointment.  How do we respond?

Over the past year I have experienced a shift in my thinking.  From the beginning I was programmed to make things all better from the minute I held my children in my arms.  That's what moms do right! Keep in mind that as children grow up so do their challenges.  At times when my children did not follow through on tasks, talked back, tried to argue, or didn't meet expectations I was sure to hold them accountable.  I remember on several occasions trying to talk them through the poor choices and what the right thing was to do, but I wasn't paying attention to what was really important. Getting them to learn through their experiences.  I have realized I have to communicate my expectations, stand my ground on what I want them to learn and not get into the verbal battle of explanation.  Don’t get me wrong there is a need for conversation in order to teach the expectation but when they make a poor choice or don’t follow through on a task my simple response is quick and to the point. I am sorry you choose to do or not to do this; therefore we are not going to be doing this today. No warnings, no threat just clear expectations. I let them learn through their experiences. My children teach me about this each and every day.  There are challenges when we lose our patience and we get frustrated but how we react to these challenges will determine what they learn from it.
 

When we talk about failure it is really more about letting our children learn from the feeling of discomfort. Discomfort can be from worry, fear, disappointment or experience of the natural consequence.  So what do they learn from this? 

• Children will learn coping skills and how to avoid similar situations.
• They will develop a tolerance of discomfort.  This is part of life.  Everyone will experience times where they are frustrated or uncomfortable.  They have to learn how to manage these situations and develop a tolerance for them.
• Challenge the sense of entitlement.  I read an article that suggested if we constantly shield children from discomfort they learn that they shouldn't have to feel anything unpleasant in life.  This is a false sense of entitlement.

Three Questions We Can Ask:

1. What role did you play in this?  This is the part that the child can control or what they can change. This should be the focus of their learning.
2. What are you going to do differently next time?
3. What did you learn from this?

Some thoughts to keep in mind:

1. Don’t waste the good moments on that voice:  What I mean is not all situations need a long explanation.  Time place and manner.  Run, hug and laugh away the bad moments.  Enjoy those funny conversations in the car ride.  My son calls it car chat!  Many times he would say wait, save it for the car!
2. Next time you want to step in and try to prevent your child from failing or facing disappointment, take a moment to sort out your own feelings, and ask yourself: What am I afraid of? There is no getting around it, even though you may try to shield them from it, and find ways for them to avoid it, your kids will at some point have to face the dreaded agony of disappointment/failure.  How will you respond?
3.  It’s okay to be human.  We won’t always get it right.  Say you sorry and let them see you learn from your mistakes.
4. Be willing to let go and respond. The cards will fall where they may. When they have disappointments or failures and they feel sad and defeated be there to love and support them, and to help them regain their footing so they can put their cards back on the table.

I look at how much I have learned over the past 13 years in education. Some of my largest strides I have made professionally and largest impacts I have had on students has been a result of a disappointment or a challenge.  Remember to get up and keep getting up.  This is how we learn to walk and then to run.  By falling down a lot and then getting right back up.  Its never to late to make an impact.